How Anna Nicole Saved My Life

Ann Nicole hasn’t really been much more than tabloid fodder for the last decade. A hybrid of Mae West and Marilyn, she became nothing more than a caricature of herself by the time her premature demise came a a few weeks ago.

As another post said, she never embraced her natural tendency to be plus-sized, instead using drugs - both legal and illegal - to keep herself within society’s stringent standards of thin. And those standards are, as we know, quite fickle. JLo made the booty acceptable much like Pamela Anderson ushered in the era of big boobs. We have yet to see plush women become the next "IT" body but I certainly hold out hope.

When I was in high school in the mid-to-late eighties, long and lean was the IT body. Big hair cascading over narrow shoulders, no more than B-cup boobs, a round-but-not-too-round bottom all perched on top of very long, very lean legs. Remember this?

So here I was, all 170 pounds of me stretched over a 5 foot 7 inch frame (oh how I long for those days!), hating myself because I wasn’t thin enough, tall enough or pretty enough. My double D boobs and my wide hips were camoflauged because 1980’s fashions for high schoolers weren’t very forgiving to the ever so chubby hourglass figure.

Then one day I’m reading "Seventeen" or "Glamour" or whichever fashion magazine I’d conned Mom into buying for me and there she was - Anna Nicole in her first Guess advertisements. Oh my God! She was gorgeous, glamorous, retro-cool and SHE LOOKED LIKE ME! I couldn’t believe it! I may have been a size or two larger but those were my boobs and my broad hips and even better - there were hot men sidling up to her like she was a gooddess!

I started to wonder about my definition of attractiveness. She was beautiful in the traditional sense with her platinum hair and smokey eyes but in some of her ads, she looked almost chubby. Where were her skinny legs? Could full calves and thighs be attractive? Would big boobs be considered an asset instead of a liability? Would boys actually like that (or me) somehow?

So, Anna Nicole saved my angst-ridden adolescent life. And honestly, looking back at these beautiful pictures takes the sting off some of the body issues I have today. She has a timeless beauty, a rounded full figure and an as-God-meant-it-to-be woman’s body.

I’m happy to say that the 90’s resurrected the curvy, big-boobed body along with my self-confidence. And of course, there are some men whose intellect and character never really left high school. For these poor guys, having a woman with the current "IT" body (seems to me like the "ITs" out theree look more like "Skipper" than "Barbie" since they have a little boy’s body with breast implants) at their side makes them feel good about themselves and how sad is that?

I read somewhere once that, "Men want a chubby woman to GET OFF with and a skinny woman to SHOW OFF with." And I see a lot of that going on in the real world. I know a woman who has a great body and she would be shocked to death to find out that her good-looking husband flirts like wild with one of his chubby co-workers. 

So I wonder if these trophy guys would want to be married to the "Guess Ads Anna" or if they’d prefer one of these?

And you know what’s HILARIOUS? If men really did their thinking with their penises, there wouldn’t be a chubby woman alone on a Friday night ever again! What a shame they think they have to use women to show off with, like we were a sports car or a job title. I guess trophy wives are still part of the American dream for most men.